How Memory Has an Effect on How We Feel

Do you realize that a memory can trigger your anxiety or depression? A thought of something can “take you back,” and your body will react as if whatever that memory is…is happening right now.

Don’t be discouraged if you find yourself anxious or sad after a thought. And when you feel anxious or depressed and are not sure where the feeling came from (as if it came out of nowhere)….consult with yourself. Did you think of something /somewhere from your past? Sometimes that is all that it takes (depending on how sensitized you are). It’s okay… Do you know that your brain does not know the difference between yesterday, today and tomorrow? A therapist told me this..and I was so amazed. But it’s true. Your brain reacts to what you tell it.

Don’t avoid memories. Have your memories. Just remember that if you find yourself anxious or depressed…that it is not “reality”…but something from a memory.

Featured post

FMLA…my FMLA..and the violation

So back in February, I went on FMLA.  After feeling so sick for so long, physically and mentally..crying, etc…I was talking to a co-worker (the assistant to our dean). She suggested that I go to a program at the mental heath facility (Sheppard Pratt).  I decided to go. I couldn’t live like I was living. I was under the impression that I was going to get therapy during the day and being able to see a psychiatrist every day. I wanted to get my meds checked and therapy every day.
Well..that is not what happened.  I went every day..but you sat in classrooms and were taught about self care, sleep, etc.  The pyschiatric nurses had to come up with topics to talk about each day. Every hour. And then you had a break (for lunch..which I was having problems with eating anyway).  You were weighed and your blood pressure were taken. Two things that I was not happy about.  It all freaked me out and I learned that I was losing even more weight.  It was not a good experience for me. Everyone got excited on Thursdays and Fridays because they taught CBT.  Whoo..hoooo…  Not for me.

Anyway, I was out for about two and a half weeks.  The people that were to know were Linda, Tina, Sharon and John (names changed for confidentiality reasons).   Linda is the one that suggested I go.   Tina is my boss.
While in the program, I received a text from someone that no longer works with us or the university at all.  She said that she was thinking of me. I knew that something must’ve been said to her and I asked.  She said that she was told by Linda and Tina that I was out sick.  It just didn’t sound right. Too much of a coincidence. I asked Linda if she said anything and she denied it.   I always felt like she had said something as I knew they were friends.

Months later…and the other day….I was told by a close friend that someone else was told that I was out.  And that Linda told the person (who works in our school ) that I had “checked myself into Sheppard Pratt,” when asked where I was. This bothered me. I confronted Linda. She told me that the only person she told was Rebecca (the person who no longer works with us). I said “I thought you told me you never told Rebecca. She then couldn’t remember if/why she would’ve told anyone else, which made me think there could be others.

It bothered me so much. I reached out to my brother who works in HR.  He told me that by disclosing information without my consent, she violated my HIPPA rights.  I then looked further to find that she violated my FMLA rights.  I reached out to my union. They said that she did not violate anything. When I said that I found that if an employer devours information without consent, it is a violation…I was told that she is not my employer.  I had to tell the union that she represents the employer…… how sad is that. I said that I may be wrong and would take it to HR.
I did.

HR said that they would like to know the name of the person so that they could handle things. I did not want to disclose that yet.

This bothered me as Linda had come in to see me the second day and did apologize and I felt bad. She said that she never admitted to telling Rebecca because I was so “fragile” at the time. She said that people were “concerned.”   That made me feel even worse..that people were discussing me.

I didn’t want to disclose her name.  I did however want administration to know..as it was wrong for her to do that.   I said that I would talk to my therapist and get back to them.  So I did.  I said that I wasn’t sure if I was just going to say something to the supervisor or bring HR in to it.

Today, I  heard back from HR who requested the name of the person…because it was a violation.  They asked that I send an email to Linda’s supervisor and copy HR.

This upset me.  I reached out to my boss..and told her what was going on.  She was not in a good place and said “so you are going to file a complaint against Linda?”  She then said ..”and are you filing a complaint against me, as well” because Rebecca did tell me that both Linda and Tina said that I was out sick.  I told her that I was not.

Anyway, the discussion was heated. She sounded mad that I was doing this.  She said that I knew my rights and could do what I wanted to do..and that she thought it was good for me. Like…I didn’t appreciate really what she was saying and how she was saying it. It made me feel uncomfortable. I said that I didn’t want any problems.

I then tried to see Sharon, but she was busy on the phone.   I then went in to Linda and told her what was going on.   I cried. She said that she was going to talk to Sharon about it anyway (as Sharon is her boss)..that it had been bothering Linda anyway.

So when Linda and Sharon were talking, I interrupted and told the story.  Sharon talked to me about how people were concerned and that if anything was said it was because people cared.   Yada yada. Again, it just escalated my anxiety. I felt uncomfortable. I told them that I had sent a message to HR and said it was all a misunderstanding.  I now feel pretty upset about this….that I now look like the wack job..under the microscope..as the person who has issues.   I wish that I could’ve followed through. It was wrong for her to disclose any information. And I made  it clear in that office with Linda and Sharon..who will now probably tag team me as the bad wack person.

Not feeling happy about this.

I wish I could win the lotto so I could leave her. I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore.  Linda was just leaving and asked if I felt okay about things. I said that I guess I did. She asked if I was doing anything this weekend and I said I was…but didn’t go into it.

I am afraid for this weekend. I don’t know how I am going to feel this weekend.  I will be “alone,” and will have to try to find something to occupy my time. I pray that I can get through it. I am grateful that I have therapy tonight.

Tears

This morning I am full of tears that want to flow….but I am  holding them back.  I am so scared.  Scared of what?  I don’t know.

Maybe I do.  It’s crazy.  I’m 47 years old..and I am afraid that I can’t handle things. I want my mom like a child wants their mom. I am so afraid something is going to happen that I can’t control or handle.  So I walk scared every day.

This weekend is coming up.  During the week, I can go to work. I am with people.  I cry. I get work done. The day goes by. I feel good or I feel bad.  But I am doing something.

During the weekend, I am reminded that I have to FIND something to do.  I don’t really look forward to anything.  I am TRYING to look forward to gardening.  At one time, on weekends, I could do things and then take a nap.  Just enjoy whatever that day brought. Now I can’t seem to do that.  I wake up early and then have to find something to do so that I am not in my thoughts about having to eat, losing weight,  being panicky and not having a future…that I will always be like this.

On Sunday, I am to go to my brothers for Easter. I want to be able to enjoy myself. BUT..my thoughts today are that I am going to be having to fake it and will be uncomfortable. Food will be there. I will need to eat.  This week, I have been doing better with trying not to focus on what I eat. Just eating when I want.  I pray that I can continue this. Last night I had a hot fudge sundae.  I had crab dip for lunch.  I can’t even remember what I had for dinner…but I did eat something.

Now as I right this, I am panicking that I am going to be obsessing about that again. Right now, I just ate an egg sandwich and am getting ready to eat a yogurt from Starbucks.  I also had a banana.

This morning I had to drop my car off as there was a recall because of the airbags.  I was shaky there.  I hated it. Just a reminder that I am still experiencing anxiety.  And that is how my day started and where I am.   Again, I just want my mom..my security blanket.

Last night I met with my grief counselor. I look forward to seeing my OCD therapist tonight.  My grief therapist told me (as I question my faith), that I need to have faith in myself. I am always looking for others to give me security I guess.  She said that I  need to have faith that I can do it….I have done it all along. I have taken care of other people. Right now though, without my parents, I feel like I can’t handle things. She said..I need to have faith in me.  It made sense. We also discussed the dying process and about how my mom had pointed..and my therapist didn’t want to tell me her beliefs..she wants me to have my own..but in our conversation her beliefs came in.   I want to believe as she does.

I’m signing off for now.  One thing that is coming up…is that I need to report a person who disclosed my FMLA reasons.  I feel terrible. I am afraid a little.  I was so upset that she did this and I felt that someone should know…but now HR is involved (because of me) and now I have to tell her supervisor and copy HR on the communication.  So not to blindside her supervisor, I asked to see her this morning.

So God Accepts Me, but Is he going to make me feel better?



As a child, you can run to your mother..to make “it all better.”   As an adult (or even as early as pre-teen and beyond), you find that you have to do a lot on your own. You push and push…each day.

You hear all over that if others don’t love you or accept you, it’s okay..because God loves you and accepts you.
But where is God when you feel sick..and you need a helping hand. Where is God when you want someone to take care of you?
He can’t come here and do any of this for me.

I am so afraid to be sick again. Physically sick. Because of the way that I am feeling today and the negative thoughts that I am pushing down into my gut…I am scared.

I know that it feels better to have someone watching over me…and someone that I can call out to at any time.

But…how do I know he is around? He can’t make me dinner…he can’t do my laundry. I still feel alone at times, even if he is in the room with me somehow.

Maybe he can’t be here physically. But I have to remember that God hears my cries…he knows my wants…he feels my fears. He is here in spirit…and can bring others to me…to be there physically with me.

There are many times that I wondered how I was going to pay a bill or make it through something…and when the time came..it was all worked out.

I have to keep reminding myself of that.

God is really there….. I just have to have faith (even with my OCD that wants certainty).

What a tormented mind I keep.

Like a Sponge….

Do you ever feel like a sponge…when it’s really not your place to fix it?

sponge

I hold onto things. Hold onto memories…hold onto hurts…and fears. When in the angst of anxiety or a “trigger,” I obsess.   Not only do I hold onto my own thing…..but I grasp at others problems and what may/may not be happening to them.

If someone else is pregnant, I wonder…how could I handle that. If someone else passes out…I want to know why..so that it doesn’t happen again. I am afraid that they feel the same anxiety as I do.

And that I need to fix it so that I feel better.

Like a sponge, I hold onto the stuff that will help it go away and the bacteria that keeps it around

It’s only until I release the sponge that I stop “cleaning.”

It’s hard….so hard not to pull in everything…every “germ,” but just for today, I will try.

Oh what a night….

So yesterday was nice…pretty eventful..but any anxiety…I was able to manage (maybe with the help of a little klonopin, which I will be taking here in a minute to help with today).  I woke up this morning (as I do some mornings) feeling sad and anxious.

Oh what a night.  I met with my therapist last night.  My appointment was to be at 6:30pm.  I arrived and was waiting to get a text that it was okay for me to come down (as my therapist meets in her house..downstairs in her basement in an area designed as her office space.

Anyway, I was not getting the text around 6:30.  Finally at 6:45, I walked down and saw that she was meeting with someone.  I turned around and went back to my car. She came out and said that she just realized there was a mess up.  The person that was in there with her came at 6:30, but was not supposed to be there until 7:30.  She said that I could go in now and the other girl could come back or I could come back at 7:30 (which I was fine doing).  So I left…and went to McDonald’s to get a Big Mac.  Yes..I ate a Big Mac…
It felt so good to feel “normal,” for a bit.

I had gotten some work done yesterday at work. I was on top of things.  I had reached out to HR about finding out that someone had disclosed why I went out on FMLA to someone who no longer works with us and also to someone that does… Neither needed to know.  As I think I stated yesterday, the person who disclosed my information apologized with a plant and a candy bar. She said that they were “concerned” and I was too “fragile” for her to tell me that she did say something.

P.S. I did eat half of the candy bar yesterday too.  I haven’t had a candy bar in a long time.

Anyway…my mind was wrapped around the whole situation. What should I do? Should I say something, etc? I reached out to HR and they said that they would need me to tell them who said something so that they could address it.  Of course they are not going to come out and say that  my rights were violated, because they are probably afraid of a law suit.

I reached out to the person that no longer works here (“Rebecca”) by text and told her that I heard she was told. I told her that I am trying the best I can , yada yada.  She told me that no one told her anything and that she hasn’t talked to anyone since January and the only reason she asked me or about me was because she is my friend.  Well..she really isn’t…but I appreciate that.   I wish I had friends..but no.

Anyway…I responded last night “reminding” her that she actually sent a text to me in February when I was at the day hospital and I thought it was odd timing basically.  I said that the person that told her denied telling her until yesterday when she came clean. I said that I wanted to make sure that it was kept in confidence as it was not her right to disclose my personal information.

Anyway…now I have to decide who/if to tell. I really do feel that someone needs to know..that a report needs to be made..in case I start feeling bad… My anxiety is already heightened and feeling like I have to be perfect so no one is talking about me makes it even that much more heightened.  I feel like all eyes are on me.

I specifically said I didn’t want anyone to know. And when this person asked me what she should tell people, we agreed that she would say I was handling family matters.
But then I found out (which is what stirred the pot) that she told someone I had “checked myself in to Sheppard Pratt.”   WhenI talked to that person today who she told this too..she couldn’t remember if those were her words, but said that she said I was sick and in the hospital…but said that if that is what she told our friend (“Jaquetta”) than that is what was said, as sometime had gone by and she can’t really remember. Jaquetta remembers her saying that. So I will go with that.

So that’s half of everything going on.

After therapy last night…I went to Old Navy and bought pants..one size smaller than my regular size.  I was scared. I didn’t want it to be 2 or 3 sizes down.  I may have been able to fit into even a smaller size, maybe…but I am working on not getting to that spot. I hope.  It was very anxiety provoking trying on the pants.  And the tops.  Most people want to lose weight..no..not this girl..I want to be fat apparently!

This morning, I woke up..anxious and sad. Knowing I had to get up and put on a face.  I went to bed last night, without taking a benadaryl as it doesn’t seem to be working anymore anyway.  I was able to sleep..but I did wake up early…and then I  may have laid there and may have gone back to sleep. I don’t know.  I am feeling panicking right now just thinking about it.

I took a shower and got in to work.  Had to order an egg sandwich as I didn’t pack anything for today.  I was feeling okay last night and I guess didn’t feel that I needed to be careful with things.  Maybe knowing that brought on some anxiety.
The anxiety keeps escalating as I received a phone call from my doctor’s office. The last time I had my blood drawn, my WBC was high.  I need to get it redone.  So they called and said for me to come in and get it redone.  FREAKS ME OUT. I am afraid of getting it drawn…because I am afraid I will pass out. And I am afraid of the results.  I think I will need to get three tubes done.  My mind is all over the place.  I was told that the blood work that came back before showed no reason for why I am feeling the way I am.  Like I am scared.  So I am going to see if my therapist will go with me, as an “exposure.” But really as someone to go with me…for my panic.   I need to get this done, but am so scared.

I called the office back to make sure that there was no rush and was told that there was no rush for me to have the blood work done. Like I could come in next week or two weeks.

I am panicking already..as if it’s happening now. I also need to go to see the doctor after I have my blood work done. My mind is all over the place..like why does she want to see me?  I mean, I guess I had asked to see her..or to get the blood work redone…but…I don’t know.
The patient coordinator who called me said that the doctor can appreciate my anxiety but that the blood work that came back did not show any reason for my symptoms. Something like that. I don’t know.

I totally need to take a klonopin right now and try to stop freaking out about this. I am scared. I just want the blood work to come back normal.
Again, I feel like I can’t handle anything without my mom. I want my mom…to hug  me. To tell me it’s okay.   Damn it.

Okay, going to try to do some work now. Thanks for reading..sorry I am all over the place.

So….

Yesterday I started to feel a bit of a turn around..maybe because I laughed for a second.  I tried to keep that feeling with me.
I invited my sister in law over to help with transplanting a flower/bush.  She loves to garden and I thought it would be a good way to have her come over and try to reconnect. I have been so afraid that she wants nothing to do with me.  She went to therapy and a psychiatry appointment with me…which I was so grateful for…but then after that I just thought she was done with me.  I was wrong.

We had a nice time. I even laughed and again, tried to keep it. I even laughed longer or harder than I needed to…because I wanted that feeling to stay.  We pulled out a bush (hydrangea). I saw a huge spider before she came.  HUGE!  I took a picture and posted it on facebook of course.

It took us awhile to get that hydrangea uprooted..but we did it.  It felt good to have that done.

We talked throughout.  We also talked about my mom and her passing. I didn’t realize that my mom had pointed a few times…. days before her passing.  It makes me believe that maybe there is something on the other side.  I don’t know.  When my mom passed, ,my sister in law said she was standing in that spot where my mom would point..and she really got very cold…and felt that my mom almost passed through her I think to get to whomever was around.

I cried..knowing my mom pointed. It gave me hope that maybe there is something to this God and spirits thing (that my OCD doesn’t want to believe).  My OCD wants certainty and without it…I question and then will try to find certainty. It just drives me crazy.

We had some laughs and I had some tears.  My brother even stopped by with a drink for my sister in law. It was nice.  He would’ve given me his coffee, but I didn’t want it.

After she left, I ate a little more and watched some tv, took a bath and went to bed.
It bothers me that even with a Benadryl, I am not sleeping through the night and am waking up early.  But I guess I will take that..as long as I am not waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.  And so I have set myself up for that one tonight…

This morning, I woke up with some night sweats.  I scared myself. My WBC was  high the last time it was taken. I am afraid of course of “leuk…” I won’t put it out in the universe anymore. So that freaked me out. I have to get my blood drawn again, but I am scared.
I am hungry all the time and am afraid I may pass out. I have never passed out before, but knowing the way things have been going..I am a bit scared and need to get past this little hump right now.

I am sitting at work…I am  hungry. I ate an egg this morning (gagged before doing so). I have eaten an apple and a halo. Now I am eating my sandwich that I brought for lunch. I feel so weak and low blood sugary.  Nerves…gotta love them.  I feel like I am losing more weight. But that is because I am hungry right now.

So…yesterday I found out that someone that I work with (the assistant to the dean of our school) disclosed to someone that no longer works here that I was in a mental health facility (when I went to the day program).   The way I found that out is because someone else had told me that she had disclosed it to someone that works here.  When I confronted her…she then had to come clean.  I did not tell her about the person that worked here…but she did tell me about the person that doesn’t work here anymore (after adamantly denying it for so long).
She told me that they were “concerned” and I was so “fragile” that she couldn’t tell me that she had told someone.

Hearing that people are “concerned, ” makes me even more concerned. It makes me anxious..that I have to show that I am doing great… When others are “concerned,” it makes me more concerned that I better get better..that I am really bad.

I have to try to figure out how I can get past this so it doesn’t derail me. I am trying to make progress, not go back.  I’m scared.

And this feeling of hunger just tells me that I am losing weight.  And if I don’t eat, I will continue to lose weight. I hate this.  I hate it!

 

And the bitch session continues….

I’m really not trying to hold bitch sessions..trust me. I want so much to be able to feel good.  I don’t want to be “whoa is me.” I just feel so bad….and this is where I have my outlet.   I wish it wasn’t like this every day.

Today I am not feeling well.  Go figure.  I got about 5 hours of sleep (with taking a Benadryl as I do every night).  I wake up early.  Like what the hell? Why can’t I catch a break.  Right now I feel sick…as if I could throw up or that I am about to have diahrea.

This morning, I feel out of sorts.  I feel like my pulse rate is low.  It’s scary…. But I press on..because that is what I am supposed to do.  I want to feel better.

Yesterday, I was having a really rough day. I had googled problems with eating, I guess. Somehow I came across eating disorders.  So..I had in my mind that I have an eating disorder.  It talked about malnutrition and low blood pressure.  So I remembered how the last times my blood pressure was taken, it was lower than normal for me.  Pretty low. My blood pressure is usually high and I have to breathe to make it come down..Nope…not the last few times.  I am not sure if I took klonopin those days or not. But..I can’t take my blood pressure now…as I am afraid what it will be, which will even make me spiral more.  My therapist does not want me weighing myself, taking my blood pressure or taking my blood sugar.  I wish I could take all three and have the “right” numbers show so I would feel better.  But …not the case. Can’t do it…because if those numbers are not right..then I will be no good.  It’s hard…because I feel like if I could see that the numbers are better…I would feel better.

So…with not feeling great yesterday and obsessing, I reached out to Jon Hershfield, who is an OCD “expert.”  I am part of his OCD support group that was meeting weekly, but now meeting bi-weekly.  My therapist is out of town.

I emailed him and then we ended up setting up an appointment to meet last night.

I talked..he talked.  He came up with a list..that I will share in a minute.  But things were said that have stuck with me.  For instance, I was pretty happy that I ate a 400 calorie meal before coming to his place.  Granted that wasn’t what I had all day, but I thought that was high.  He said “that’s nothing, you are to be eating 2000 calories a day.”  I know that I am not eating 2000 calories a day. I just don’t feel like eating.  But I do.  I eat to survive.  And I try to eat as much as I can. I really  do.

He also said that when I started in his group, I had more insight of things..and now I have lost that.  He said that I look sad….

I count calories in  my head.  Most people don’t want the calories. They are trying to lose weight. I am the opposite. I am saying..”okay, one egg is 70 calories, plus the yogurt is 150 calories…a banana I think is maybe 100.”  So that’s 320 calories for breakfast. I am going to eat another hard boiled egg, just to get those calories in.  It’s scary.  I am trying to gain weight, but the therapists are telling me that I have to stop focusing on that.  If I eat, I eat.  I also need to come to terms that I lost weight and I have a new size. I am still trying to wear (and fit in to) the clothes that I have been wearing for years (size 14). I am now a 12 (may be a 10). I haven’t really tried on clothes, because I am afraid that it will say that I have gone down in so many sizes. Knowing this information just makes me more nervous and leads to not wanting to eat.  Anxiety and depression affect my appetite.

I know that I was having problems with eating before my mom got sick…from depression..I guess.  After she died, it has gotten much worse.  I don’t have my person. I really don’t know how I am going to get past this…..

Anyway…Jon created a list for me that I will share with you….

My fear: I have a fear of making  myself feel sick forever and dying slowly of weight loss and malnutrition..alone.

Compulsions that I have…that I need to stop:

  • Have to eat! Must gain weight!
  • researching eating disorders
  • calorie checking/counting
  • always trying to eat every time there’s a hunger pang
  • telling people “I have no one.”
  • mentally reviewing what I ate
  • avoiding people who many comment on my weight loss
  • avoiding buying clothes that fit/finding out new size
  • over focusing on calorie intake
  • seeking reassurance —“do I look anorexic”” and trying on clothes to see how loose they are/aren’t
  • avoiding eating with people
  • avoiding exercise
  • trying to gain weight
  • holding in/swallowing vomit to save calories

As I sit here and type this, I am feeling pretty nauseated. I hate this. I hate having anxiety and depression.  I am tired of living this way.  I wish that God would take this from me. This has consumed my life. Every day..all day.
I’m at work..but I sit in my office…because I don’t feel well. I hate this.

Tomorrow my therapist will be back from vacation and I will go see her. She will say the same thing that Jon has said. I have a grief therapy session on Thursday and then back to my therapist on Friday.

Unfortunately, this stuff is not sticking with me. I don’t know how to move on. I need good days. Lots of them. I need to stop feeling so sick to my stomach..but again, saying that is only reinforcing with my brain that something is wrong, so it is going to react as if something is wrong.

I must accept this feeling…and it’s hard. It’s hard to accept that I feel so sick to my stomach.  I want to throw up, but am not allowing it.  I am going to chew on a piece of gum and  hope that helps.

I may be back today..this is my place to vent.  Thanks for reading..”the real truth.”

And it all continues…

This weekend, I was pretty down..and sick.

I am doing it to myself.  There is nothing wrong with me, yet I am gagging everytime I eat.  I am throwing up in my mouth.

I am not trying to lose weight. I am putting too much effort on having to eat though.  And my clothes are so lose on me that it scares me and adds more anxiety to it.  So every hunger pang, I start to panic and think that my blood sugar is dipping and I need to eat.  Being hungry makes me feel nauseated.   It’s a nervous thing I guess.

I can’t check my blood sugar, because if it’s low, I will freak. I can’t get on the scale, because if it’s too low, I will freak.

And all freaking will do is make me more anxious.
I don’t know how to get out of this cycle.

I can’t /don’t do anything because I feel so weak from “not eating.”

Yesterday, I was eating something like all the time…but still felt hungry.

I tried to do things to get my mind off of myself, but I felt sick being out. I hate it.

No one called to check in on me.  No one cares.
I sent my daughter a text telling how I was feeling. I didn’t hear from her. I then sent her another one to say that I hope she enjoyed her day.  She responded with “sorry, I’ve been sleeping all day.”  She  must’ve had a late night the night before. I know a friend was in.

I don’t want to be a burden to her.  She is 23..she should be having fun.  At the same time though, I feel like I really need people to surround me and encourage me and be there for me.

My brother was at a clown training (he works as a an HR director for his full time job, but his passion is clowning).

I am so jealous of people that can eat without thinking about it.   That can go anywhere to eat…like I used to.  When I think of those times, I get very anxious.  And depressed.  And then I don’t want to eat.  There was a ceremony at my job yesterday.  There is leftover food.  The person in charge was bringing the leftover food up. I thought “ut oh….”   Because normally I would want to eat that stuff, but it scared me. It is just a constant reminder that I am not eating like I used to.

I went to the store yesterday and was going to buy new clothes..new pants, since what I have are falling off of me. But then I got scared because even the size 12 looked too big.  I used to be a size 14/16.   I am afraid that I am down to a size 10..and I will keep losing.

The more I lose, the more afraid I get..the harder it is for me to eat…it’s awful.
I don’t know what to do.

This morning, I had a greek  yogurt when I woke up (as I was gagging and throwing up in my mouth prior to that).  The hunger pangs make me nauseous.  After that, I quickly heated up my egg (Eggs whites with American cheese). Ate that.  Then when I came to work, I had a banana.  I also have a small bowl of fruit that I am eating (that came from the awards ceremony).

I am afraid my insulin is all  messed up.  I know that if I eat sweet things,  it’s like I have reactive hypoglycemia.  So I feel hungry right away.  I am wondering if what i am eating is giving me that hunger pain. But I just can’t eat the protein stuff that I should eat (like chicken..yuck).   I am going to eat a ham and swiss cheese in a minute.

I was just online googling, which I know I  shouldn’t be doing.  It looks like I have a fear of food.  I am so afraid that I won’t be able to eat..that I freak out when I have to eat.  I get very anxious…..  now I am wondering if I have an eating disorder and should be seen by someone who handles that.

My therapist said that I do not have an eating disorder…..

I don’t know what to do. I wish I could get on the scale and it tell me a certain number so I k now that I am not losing more weight. But I am afraid it will show that I have lost weight, despite all the food i am trying to eat.

I’m afraid to take my blood pressure, because I am afraid it will be low (just as if I have anorexia). It’s been low the past couple times it has been taken. I thought it was because of the meds I was on.  ????

I ‘m afraid to take my blood glucose, because I am afraid it will show that it’s low…despite trying to eat.

How do you know?

So as I stated in my previous post, I woke up this morning feeling terrible.  I’m so frustrated with feeling so sick to my stomach. I haven’t felt sick to my stomach the past two days..but today..sick as a dog.

Right now I am eating a grilled cheese sandwich and chicken noodle soup.  There was food from a function at my work..but the thought of eating something else made me gag.  In fact, before eating this chicken noodle soup,  I gagged.

While waiting for my soup and sandwich (that was not ready even though I called it in), my legs became stiff and shaky though. This is a new thing. I  never had this before with my anxiety.  I used to just have trouble catching my breath, which was scary enough.
But this time around, I have so many other kinds of symptoms.

How do you know if it’s just anxiety or something else?

Symptoms that I have that I didn’t have before…head buzzing…dizzy head, heavy head…my head will even “tremor.”  It’s hard to explain..but it’s as if you are holding your head still, but it decides to shiver (and is not still).   In addition, my legs are stiff and shaky.  My whole body will shake. I never had this before.  And the upset stomach..unbearable…in addition to the weight loss and loss of desire to eat.  I have to force myself to eat. I may get hungry, but I don’t feel like eating.  But I force it.

My blood pressure is low now..when it used to be high. I would have to take a nice breath to have my blood pressure be any good. Now…it’s low even when “anxious.”

When do you know?  I have avoided so  much because of the way that I feel. I hate this life that I have created lately for me.

So..what am I going to do with myself tonight? Hmmm…maybe I will clean the bathroom.
And the kitchen floor.

I will clean the kitty bowls.

I will then plant bulbs that someone gave me from work.

But what will I do tomorrow?  I wake up very early now..and right away..the anxiety takes over when I don’t have things to do..that I look forward to.  I have pulled myself back from people because of the way that I feel…so I don’t know what to do.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑