I took the following from the webpage of Anxiety and Stress Disorders Institute of Maryland (www.anxietyandstress.com)…Don’t add “second fear.” This is the fear associated with your anxiety, like the fear of dying, fainting, going crazy, losing control or embarrassing yourself. It often starts with sudden thoughts like “What if…?”/”Suppose…?”/”If I don’t get out of here soon, I’m going to…” If you tell yourself you are in danger, your body will dutifully react as if you really are in danger and it will scare you more. Sometimes thoughts are so automatic or feelings follow them so quickly that you won’t see the connections, but look for them. In time, you will become more skilled at seeing and interrupting such connections. Tell youself: “It’s just what-ifing!” “I’ve felt like this before and the worst didn’t happen.” “I’m not going to (die, faint, go crazy, etc.). This is still just anxiety.” “This is very uncomfortable, but it is not dangerous.”
I am trying to do that today..or not do that. I am trying not to add the second fear. The past few days, I have done pretty good. I wake up feeling crappy, but I have gotten up and have made myself busy. Not sure if that is a good thing or not, but I have made it so that I am not sitting at home, feeling ill and anxious. It has been a good feeling. In fact, there have been times over the past few days that I have laughed. One night, I laughed so much..that I cried, because I was laughing (and because I had to get that cry out).
Anyway, today I am at work…and although I thought that I would be okay..after getting up and moving around (as I had terrible panic in the morning), I have had constant anxiety surges throughout the morning. I am in my office. Doing my work..as I should..but all of these thoughts come to me…
I feel alone. What if this doesn’t go away? What if this new med is not/does not work? What if my boyfriend breaks up with me? What if I can’t work? What if I can’t go to church? What if this surge doesn’t go away? What if I go back to not eating? What if I can’t sleep? Does my sister in law hate me? What if everyone is getting tired of hearing this? What if people can tell that I am feeling bad? What if work has me go out to lunch (as I have been picking up a lot of duties lately with others out…and I have been doing a good job)? What if I am alone forever?
I went to grief therapy yesterday. I won’t see that therapist for another three weeks now (as I need an evening appt). I will have to go back to the place where my mom passed for the appt. I told the therapist how my anxiety and depression has gotten bad since my mom’s passing (but really since I moved into my dad’s house, when he moved into the nursing home). One thing that she said that stuck with me was that like children regress when something traumatic happens, we as adults (as humans) can regress too when things happen. So now I want to research that, but not sure if I fit into that hole peg.
I feel like all my life I have regressed. I feel like a child that just wants her mom to take care of her..to have someone take care of me. I don’t know if I ever had that really.
I feel bad for even saying that. I don’t even know if that is true. I just know that I feel like I am so tired of adulting..or faking being an adult when I really need more help that I tell people.
From this minute on though, I need to come back to what I am doing right now and not add all of this second fear. I am so on guard. I hate it.