How Memory Has an Effect on How We Feel

Do you realize that a memory can trigger your anxiety or depression? A thought of something can “take you back,” and your body will react as if whatever that memory is…is happening right now.

Don’t be discouraged if you find yourself anxious or sad after a thought. And when you feel anxious or depressed and are not sure where the feeling came from (as if it came out of nowhere)….consult with yourself. Did you think of something /somewhere from your past? Sometimes that is all that it takes (depending on how sensitized you are). It’s okay… Do you know that your brain does not know the difference between yesterday, today and tomorrow? A therapist told me this..and I was so amazed. But it’s true. Your brain reacts to what you tell it.

Don’t avoid memories. Have your memories. Just remember that if you find yourself anxious or depressed…that it is not “reality”…but something from a memory.

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Second Fear

I took the following from the webpage of Anxiety and Stress Disorders Institute of Maryland (…Don’t add “second fear.” This is the fear associated with your anxiety, like the fear of dying, fainting, going crazy, losing control or embarrassing yourself. It often starts with sudden thoughts like “What if…?”/”Suppose…?”/”If I don’t get out of here soon, I’m going to…” If you tell yourself you are in danger, your body will dutifully react as if you really are in danger and it will scare you more. Sometimes thoughts are so automatic or feelings follow them so quickly that you won’t see the connections, but look for them. In time, you will become more skilled at seeing and interrupting such connections. Tell youself: “It’s just what-ifing!” “I’ve felt like this before and the worst didn’t happen.” “I’m not going to (die, faint, go crazy, etc.). This is still just anxiety.” “This is very uncomfortable, but it is not dangerous.”

I am trying to do that today..or not do that. I am trying not to add the second fear. The past few days, I have done pretty good. I wake up feeling crappy, but I have gotten up and have made myself busy. Not sure if that is a good thing or not, but I have made it so that I am not sitting at home, feeling ill and anxious. It has been a good feeling. In fact, there have been times over the past few days that I have laughed. One night, I laughed so much..that I cried, because I was laughing (and because I had to get that cry out).

Anyway, today I am at work…and although I thought that I would be okay..after getting up and moving around (as I had terrible panic in the morning), I have had constant anxiety surges throughout the morning. I am in my office. Doing my I should..but all of these thoughts come to me…

I feel alone. What if this doesn’t go away? What if this new med is not/does not work? What if my boyfriend breaks up with me? What if I can’t work? What if I can’t go to church? What if this surge doesn’t go away? What if I go back to not eating? What if I can’t sleep? Does my sister in law hate me? What if everyone is getting tired of hearing this? What if people can tell that I am feeling bad? What if work has me go out to lunch (as I have been picking up a lot of duties lately with others out…and I have been doing a good job)? What if I am alone forever?

I went to grief therapy yesterday. I won’t see that therapist for another three weeks now (as I need an evening appt). I will have to go back to the place where my mom passed for the appt. I told the therapist how my anxiety and depression has gotten bad since my mom’s passing (but really since I moved into my dad’s house, when he moved into the nursing home). One thing that she said that stuck with me was that like children regress when something traumatic happens, we as adults (as humans) can regress too when things happen. So now I want to research that, but not sure if I fit into that hole peg.
I feel like all my life I have regressed. I feel like a child that just wants her mom to take care of have someone take care of me. I don’t know if I ever had that really.

I feel bad for even saying that. I don’t even know if that is true. I just know that I feel like I am so tired of adulting..or faking being an adult when I really need more help that I tell people.

From this minute on though, I need to come back to what I am doing right now and not add all of this second fear. I am so on guard. I hate it.

One MORE thing…

Back in the day, I started writing two books. One is a memoir of someone living with anxiety and depression. I started to write about my life…the way I saw it. Or see it. Of course I have not finished that. Right now, I am at the pages discussing meeting my ex-husband. I wrote the book in hopes to help others that show that there can be a happy ending (hoping there would be)..or maybe so that others could see how I lived..and what I experienced growing up… Haven’t finished it yet. But I do feel that people need to hear my story. Why? Is it for my own selfish reasons…? I don’t know.

I am also writing a book called Inspirational Chats…for me to inspire those that suffer. I have posted a few of my pages here on this blog.

Hoping that I can finish the books…and maybe sell them. Just wanted you to be aware.

“Hoping that I can finish the books.” I didn’t like the way that if I don’t have much time left in this world. I kind of feel like that. It’s like I am trying to tidy things up. I need to get things done that I planned to do. I don’t know. I don’t plan to do anything to speed up that process. Although sometimes I wish I had the nerve to do that. But I also am hoping that one day I can have an “ah ha” moment and feel okay again.

If I don’t, just know that I appreciate every one of my friends and family members who tried to be there for me. There is nothing more than anyone could’ve done for me. I pray that I will be at peace. And I pray so much that my daughter will be okay. She is much stronger than I am. But I know what it feels like losing a mom. I don’t want her to feel that. I want her to be okay.

Okay..done for the day.

Dear Journal…

So a short time ago, I wrote about the trials I have been having with food and eating and wanting to eat. I just wanted to report that …I knew that I needed something to eat..but didn’t know what to I bought crab bisque and chicken wings from the deli down the street from work. I have been sipping on the (spicy) crab bisque. I put the chicken wings to the side.
HOWEVER, I can go into a depression and say to myself that I am not pigging out like I normally would, yada yada… INSTEAD I am going to say..”good job for getting the food and slowly eating it.”
This is not the way I want it, but I am getting it in.

Imagine having a panic attack every time you eat or think about it? That’s what I am going through. Unfortunately I can’t avoid it..really. So I need to expose myself. I am white knuckling it though. My jaws are tight. My mouth is clenched, on guard of what might happen next. I don’t want to feel sick. I am sitting very I have been doing for a few days/weeks….

Something I need to discuss with my therapist tomorrow night.
I know what I should do is probably run up and down the hallway and loosen my grip.

I’m a scared woman. Please know that I don’t want to be like this and I am trying.

I want to LIVE! I’m just so scared. I miss my mom. I wish I could call her and have her tell me all would be okay. Damn it.

Why do I need my mom….? Why?
It’s such a scary world..and as much as I know my mom would tell me to get over this..and that I am doing it….. I still want her.

Oh..I did take a klonopin this morning. I wonder if that is helping. With that, I guess I am a failure because I am not doing this on my own. But then again, I need not think that way. I need to give myself credit. Damn it. If this will help me, then take the damn klonopin.

I am coming off of a medication and going on another one. My body is all messed up. My mind is all messed up. I am depressed. I lost my mom. So much has changed. I need to learn to be patient with myself. And more kinder to myself.

Just venting….thanks for listening. I hope that I don’t burden you. I appreciate you reading my posts. And still following me.

I wish I could just feel back to normal…

So yesterday was a really rough day for me. I guess being home by myself does not help with things. But…with panic, I don’t want to do anything either. People will invite me to do things, but I feel so physically bad…that I decline.
Yesterday, to get out of the house, I did do an exposure at Walmart (as I was there the day before and gagged through the aisles). I went back and bought deodorant. I did not gag…but I didn’t stay to walk the entire store. After that, I forced myself to go to DSW. And gagged. Bought a pair of boots. Before going out, I tried to paint a closet door. It doesn’t look that great, but I was doing something.
When I got home from doing my “running around, ” I decided to drive to my boyfriends and clear off of his truck from the snow. I didn’t feel well..but I didn’t want to just sit around.
Drove there, saw him for a few minutes and then went home. Ate a 1/2 peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a few chips. I laid down on the sofa, because I was tired. I would doze off for a second because I remember some weird dreams that would scare me and wake me up (like seeing my sister in law the front door looking in). ???
Anyway, finally I got up. I was feeling so sick that I was in a ball. I decided to try to drink some soup. Before that though, I ended up going in the bathroom and throwing up. This is something that I have feared.
The gagging is new..and now I am throwing up. My biggest fear has come true.
I am afraid of what people are thinking. I am afraid that I will never get my appetite back and won’t be able to eat like a normal person. Right now, I am living off of eggs, yogurt, soup, peanut butter and jelly. I did eat a pork chop the other night and veggies.
Last night I went to my OCD Therapy Support Group. I felt like I didn’t belong. Who obsesses about food…except for someone with an eating disorder? And how am I going to get past this? The therapist had me speak first. He wants me to be kinder to myself. He was thinking that some of the nausea could be do to my medicine change..which it could be..however, it happens mostly on weekends and then I obsess about it the rest of the week. When it’s time to eat, I don’t have anything that I really want. And the thought of eating something makes me depressed and not wanting to eat. It’s scary. I was like this 23 years ago (although I guess I was worse 23 years ago).
You see when I am hungry, I feel nauseated. Then I don’t want to eat. Twenty three years ago, I would throw up..and have diahrea from eating. I also had to take care of a brand new baby. I don’t have to do that now.
Today, I am at work. I have eaten very little. I gagged this morning when it was time to get up and get ready for work that started to scare me. I went to the bathroom at work to clean out a cup so I could put tea in it. Gagged about 4 times while in the bathroom. Not sure what this is all about. I hate it though and it scares me.
I remember 23 years ago, my dad banging on the kitchen table as I was throwing up down the basement. His cup would clang off the table, because he hit is so hard with his fist. He said “she is doing it to herself, she is doing it to herself.” He may very well be right. I don’t mean to do it to myself. It’s just I am so weak and the thought of eating…makes me feel bad.
I know that I must eat. And I am really trying. But in the meantime, I am on guard. I am clenching my mouth shut so not to gag.
I will try to order something from the deli down the street from work. Maybe some chicken wings.
Last night, after I left my group..I did stop by Chic Fil A and picked up a cobb salad. I ate a little bit of it..but then got full. I also had a milkshake. Or some of a milkshake. Praying that I start feeling like myself again. I hate this. I am afraid to go anywhere because of the way I feel. So depressed and weak.
Thank you for listening. I miss my mom.

A Bad Morning Does Not Have to Make for a Bad Day

Taken from the infamous, Claire Weekes, a bad morning DOES NOT have to make for a bad day. I would have (can still have) terrible mornings, when I can’t even imagine getting out of bed or walking out of the door. However, I do. Looking back on such a bad morning just keeps the anxiety and depression escalated. I can worry that this feeling will last forever or I can remind myself that what I am feeling right now, is a memory (even that not so long ago, this morning)…or a forecast into the future. Just because I had a bad morning, does not mean that I have to analyze it so that it doesn’t happen again. Instead, what I need to do is move on from the morning and look forward to the day (rather than fearing it). It’s okay to feel bad, but don’t waste your day, worrying about the bad morning. As Joel Osteen says, “don’t let it rob your joy.”


So I started feeling better Wednesday night for some reason. Probably because I was able to eat and felt good about it. Yesterday I didn’t obsess about food…and getting food into my system…so much.
Today, I am not feeling so good though and the anxiety is there. There are a few reasons for this though..I think….

1. I read a blog yesterday where the writer gave a trigger warning but I did not pay attention to it. I dove right into it. He talked about how he had made a suicide attempt. He didn’t say what he did…but did say that when he came to in the ICU 3 days later…he felt pretty sick. Just the word makes me empathize and think of nausea. So it took me there..I think.

2. The weekend is here. I have been working every day, which gives me something to do during the day. Now the weekend is here and I have to figure out what I am going to do with my time so that I am not sitting in anxiety and depression. I am feeling pretty anxious now. I can feel my bp rising…and the physical symptoms taking over. It’s scaring me.

3. I go back to thinking that if I am nauseated, what will I do…so that I am not feeling that way. What if the strong meds don’t work?

I am totally having a bit of a panic attack now. I have had diahrea already twice this morning. I don’t feel good. And I want my mom. Yes, this 46 year old wants her mom to say it’s okay…but she is not around. Three months ago..she passed away. I don’t like feeling sick.

I am burning up with anxiety.

Thanks for listening.

Don’t Compare Yourself to the Best that Others Can Do

“Don’t compare yourself to the best that others can do.”

Think about it. Read it again. How many times do you find yourself comparing yourself to others? How many times do you say “I wish I could do that.” Or, how many times do you feel like a failure because you can’t/won’t do what someone else is doing? Don’t compare yourself to the best that others can do. Who really knows how they are feeling on the inside. Can others tell how you are feeling on the inside, on your bad days, unless you tell them? Those close to you may be able to sense something (maybe not, though). Regardless, we never really know what is going on ..on the inside of those that we want to be. They may look happy. They may not have anxiety/depression, but do they really have it all? Could they do what you do every day? You are stronger than you think.
We all come from different backgrounds..different experiences. All you can do is…the best that you can do at any given time. And that’s it. It’s always good enough. You are good enough.

Don’t compare yourself to the best that others can do.


So I get on facebook ALOT. It’s an escape…almost. Right now, I should be doing some work, but I feel anxious and out of habit, I just pop on facebook. However, I have found..that with most things in life..when I am on facebook..searching groups…seeing what others are doing..I GET ANXIOUS. I feel so sad..because everyone else is going about their lives and I feel like I am just sitting my shell.
I am comparing myself to others…even though I have said to many…not to compare yourself to the best that others can do.
I get caught up though in the lives of others….and get anxious or depressed. I can either take on what I think they are an extreme empath…or I can get down on myself that I don’t have the life they have.
I do this in my every day walk with life. Everyone I meet…I have a story in my head…about how I wish…I could do that …or be them…
I went to therapy last night, and my therapist told me that I need to stop googling (duh..why didn’t I think about this). She also said that I need to stay out of these groups.
As someone with OCD (or so “they” say), I seek reassurance. Its’ a compulsion to post in these groups, seeking reassurance…or to see what others are dealing see if I am okay..
So…today, I went on facebook..and did the opposite of what I was told to do…and the anxiety started peaking.
The depression set in.
It was already there to start..but it escalated. Therefore…for today, I make this promise to myself..and to you…just for facebook for me.

I want my mom….

Today is 3 months since my mom passed away. I want my mom. I am so depressed. She was my person. I miss her so much.
There is so much going on and I just need a mom hug.
I have no plan B. No plan B.

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