This weekend, I was pretty down..and sick.
I am doing it to myself. There is nothing wrong with me, yet I am gagging everytime I eat. I am throwing up in my mouth.
I am not trying to lose weight. I am putting too much effort on having to eat though. And my clothes are so lose on me that it scares me and adds more anxiety to it. So every hunger pang, I start to panic and think that my blood sugar is dipping and I need to eat. Being hungry makes me feel nauseated. It’s a nervous thing I guess.
I can’t check my blood sugar, because if it’s low, I will freak. I can’t get on the scale, because if it’s too low, I will freak.
And all freaking will do is make me more anxious.
I don’t know how to get out of this cycle.
I can’t /don’t do anything because I feel so weak from “not eating.”
Yesterday, I was eating something like all the time…but still felt hungry.
I tried to do things to get my mind off of myself, but I felt sick being out. I hate it.
No one called to check in on me. No one cares.
I sent my daughter a text telling how I was feeling. I didn’t hear from her. I then sent her another one to say that I hope she enjoyed her day. She responded with “sorry, I’ve been sleeping all day.” She must’ve had a late night the night before. I know a friend was in.
I don’t want to be a burden to her. She is 23..she should be having fun. At the same time though, I feel like I really need people to surround me and encourage me and be there for me.
My brother was at a clown training (he works as a an HR director for his full time job, but his passion is clowning).
I am so jealous of people that can eat without thinking about it. That can go anywhere to eat…like I used to. When I think of those times, I get very anxious. And depressed. And then I don’t want to eat. There was a ceremony at my job yesterday. There is leftover food. The person in charge was bringing the leftover food up. I thought “ut oh….” Because normally I would want to eat that stuff, but it scared me. It is just a constant reminder that I am not eating like I used to.
I went to the store yesterday and was going to buy new clothes..new pants, since what I have are falling off of me. But then I got scared because even the size 12 looked too big. I used to be a size 14/16. I am afraid that I am down to a size 10..and I will keep losing.
The more I lose, the more afraid I get..the harder it is for me to eat…it’s awful.
I don’t know what to do.
This morning, I had a greek yogurt when I woke up (as I was gagging and throwing up in my mouth prior to that). The hunger pangs make me nauseous. After that, I quickly heated up my egg (Eggs whites with American cheese). Ate that. Then when I came to work, I had a banana. I also have a small bowl of fruit that I am eating (that came from the awards ceremony).
I am afraid my insulin is all messed up. I know that if I eat sweet things, it’s like I have reactive hypoglycemia. So I feel hungry right away. I am wondering if what i am eating is giving me that hunger pain. But I just can’t eat the protein stuff that I should eat (like chicken..yuck). I am going to eat a ham and swiss cheese in a minute.
I was just online googling, which I know I shouldn’t be doing. It looks like I have a fear of food. I am so afraid that I won’t be able to eat..that I freak out when I have to eat. I get very anxious….. now I am wondering if I have an eating disorder and should be seen by someone who handles that.
My therapist said that I do not have an eating disorder…..
I don’t know what to do. I wish I could get on the scale and it tell me a certain number so I k now that I am not losing more weight. But I am afraid it will show that I have lost weight, despite all the food i am trying to eat.
I’m afraid to take my blood pressure, because I am afraid it will be low (just as if I have anorexia). It’s been low the past couple times it has been taken. I thought it was because of the meds I was on. ????
I ‘m afraid to take my blood glucose, because I am afraid it will show that it’s low…despite trying to eat.