On guard…

This weekend…was awful. I was so sick. My obsession has become whether I am eating enough or not. And because I need to eat, every time I have to eat (I am hungry a lot because of my anxiety and I guess the whole metabolism thing), I panic…and am afraid I am not going to be able to eat. I feel nauseated, so I have no appetite (although hungry..if that makes sense). All I want to do is cry. I want that appetite back. I want to be pigging out. I am walking on eggshells…on guard…as to if I will be able to eat…or if I will throw up.
I am so afraid to feel ill. I am afraid that I won’t be able to eat. I am afraid that I will throw up…as I have in the past. I have gagged and I have a hard time stopping. So I feel like I have to be still..so not to get that feeling. It sucks.
I feel like I’m dying…I want to die. This horrid feeling makes me want to end my life, because it’s the worst feeling in the world.
I can’t end my life though because I have a daughter that I need to think about. But it’s getting tougher and tougher.
My boyfriend says that I need to talk to my therapist. I wish that he would pick up the phone and allow me to cry to him..and would provide comfort.
My brother said he will say prayers. That’s it..I have no one else. My mother passed away 3 months ago. How am I going to go on without her? Having her around made me feel safe at times. I had some sort of person to fall back on/rely on. I don’t have that anymore. It’s just me. No one understands or cares to understand. No one encourages.
I am running out of money. How am I going to pay for therapy?
I am rambling and I am sorry for that. I used to always have someone that would care for me and know what to do. I don’t have that anymore. People in my life just want me to be better. They don’t want to be a part of that process.

My therapist would have me do an exposure to this “OCD” that I am experiencing. Apparently that is what I have. So I guess I will do that exposure here on my blog.

About eating….
I may not feel like eating today….and if I do not eat, that is okay. When I am able to eat, I will eat. However..with exposure, I am to say my worst fear..so here goes..for real….
I may not feel like eating today…and I may not eat…or if I do eat, I may throw it up…I may constantly gag….I will have nothing in my stomach…and I will lose so much weight. People will ask me if I am okay. People will ask me if I am losing weight. They will comment how I have to eat. This will make me even more scared of the thought of food. My stomach will feel terrible. I will feel nauseated and weak. I will die…from not eating…. It will be an unbearable painful death.

About being alone..having no one in my life
My mother passed away three months ago. I didn’t realize how much I relied on her. She was my safe person. I am lost without her. I am afriad that things are going to go wrong and I will have no one to help me make decisions. No one thinks like me. She didn’t think like me either, but she took it. What I said…she took. I could be real. I could tell her how I really felt and she took it. I can’t talk to anyone else like I could talk to her. So that was not really an exposure…..but how I feel.

About my boyfriend
I wish that he didn’t get so defensive everytime I tell him how I feel. I want him to be my safe person. I want him to understand how I am feeling and get it. I want him to take the place of my mom, I guess. I know that is probably not fair…but if he loves me and wants to be with me, shouldn’t he be that person. He is letting me down. Instead of stepping it up, like I asked him to…he responded with “WOW.” What I want is for him to send me flowers..to let me know he is thinking of me. When I am feeling bad, pick up the phone and call me. Instead everything is done by text and there is an excuse for everything. I need him to be there to tell me it’s okay and that I am going to get through this. I don’t have that anymore. He tells me I need to talk to my therapist about how I want to die. Does he not know that everyone knows this? He was in my therapy appt last week with me when I brought it up. My therapist knows how I feel. I am afraid he might be talking to someone else. How can someone be so laid back when someone you love is suffering so much. Yesterday he went to a friends house for the football game. He didn’t check in with me once. I finally reached out to him at 7pm and he said that he was staying watching the second game. I was obviously not on his mind. Why couldn’t he reach out knowing that I was having a bad day? I was so sick yesterday. Why couldn’t he be with me?

I am so sad..so in my thoughts. So depressed. I am taking meds..and everyone is just waiting for those meds to take effect. What sucks is that the meds aren’t going to everything. And …they might not do anything. I need to change a lot of my thinking…. Everyone is just sitting on the sidelines until I am better. It doesn’t happen like that. They don’t get it.

I am running out of money to pay for therapy. Actually I have run out. It’s all on my credit card. I just put a huge payment on my credit card, from money that I got from my mom when she passed. But my credit card is basically right back up to where it was.

I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Do I go to intensive treatment? All I want to do is cry….and talk…and figure this out. I sit in my house by myself. I try to do garden work and laundry, becasue I have to..to keep up the house. The house is too much for me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Thanks for listening. I welcome any comments. Please….

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