Alone

So I am hurting. Hurting bad. Scared.
I feel so alone. I know that people say that they are there for me….so I am not alone, however, when you feel like I do..and no one understands or has experienced it, you feel alone.

I don’t want to die. I want to live. Yet..I feel so physically and mentally sick, ending everything seems to much nicer… I don’t want to live like this.
I am trying to eat…to survive. The thought of food makes me gag inside. And sometimes on the outside. I have diahrea every morning. I hold back the tears.

I need too much from people around me. I need people to reassure me that all is okay. I need someone to take care of me. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be so needy..trust me. But it’s so hard to do things….to make food..that I don’t even want to eat.
I barely put a lot of calories in my body. When will my appetite come back?

Last night when I went to a group therapy session, I smelled steak and I thought that it smelled good. I thought that things might be turning around and I would get that appetite back…but that was taken away by the thoughts that came to me..while I was in the therapy group session.
Things were said that made me obsess about this and that.

I want my mom. I miss my mom. She made it all right. I feel bad for the people in my life that now need to step in. They have their own lives. My brother is being so kind to me. Saying prayers. Reaching out. But I feel bad..I feel like a burden.

I’m so afraid to kill myself…and end up with the devil and suffer even more than what I am suffering now. I don’t want that.

I want to believe that God can pull me out of this. I want God to do that.

I am on guard all of the time….at what people are thinking of me. I put on a front..which makes things even harder….puts knots in my stomach.

Last night, talking with my boyfriend, he mentioned that he feels much clearer about things. In an analogy, he said that it’s like he is standing on the bed…and I was on the floor and as much as he tried to pull me up to be with him, I kept pulling him down with me (or trying to). That hurt..so bad. I have never wanted to be a burden to anyone. I always told him that I didn’t want to be a burden. I have always appreciated all that he has done for me. How he has stood by me and would go to therapy with me. I asked him to go so that he could learn things and help me…but I never meant to bring him down.

So much is going through my head. I don’t know if I will ever be able to be comfortable in this relationship…feeling that I am holding him back. I never want to hold anyone back. That is not who I am. I also won’t be able to be myself thinking in the back of my head all the bad things he is thinking of me, how he must think of me.

I worry more about other people that I do about myself.

I have isolated myself because of feeling so physically and mentally unwell.
All I want is for people to love me and to encourage me and to help me through this time. To remind me and love me when I can’t do it myself.
I want to get through this.

But I am not sure how I am going to do this.

I am faking it, coming in to work every day, trying to get things done. I am losing weight. I am scared.

I write to you as I have no one else to talk to…… I am alone in this world…just trying to fight this battle one day at a time. It’s so hard.

I feel like a lost cause..that I will never get past this.

It’s too hard.

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