…..

Last night, my daughter came over. She made dinner.  We had ham, peas/carrots and a sweet potato. I ate it all. I was happy with that.
I then went to see my new grief counselor. While in the office, I started to feel some anxiety and thoughts went through my head..wondering if I could leave if I needed to…and what if this happened or that happened…..  I cried a lot in there…telling my story. I will go back next week.

I then went back home..and my daughter and her dog were still there.  We had a nice time.  Watching 90 day fiancé.
After she left..I took a bath.  And then went to bed.

Woke up about 6am. Not getting great sleep lately.

This morning, I woke up feeling very sick.  I feel feverish.  I had diahrea.  I just feel so sick.  It’s not nervous sick, but it makes me nervous…because I just don’t know what is going on. I am afraid to go to the doctors, because I am afraid of what they will say…or that i will have to have blood work done or have tests done.

I did just call my doctors’ office and left a message to see if I could get in to see her tonight. She only works three days a week.

I am not sure if I really trust this doctor.  The last time that I saw her, was pretty much for reassurance, but I didn’t get it.  She was kind of frustrated with me….from the get go.  Didn’t know what to tell me…as she felt that everything was anxiety related and I needed to work with my therapist.  She did take my blood pressure (which was low..which is odd). She then also weighed me and I had lost even more weight, but she didn’t tell me what it was…as I told her that my therapist didn’t want me to know.

She wrote out a script for me to get blood work done (to check my thyroid and CBC, etc).

I saw the results before she did as the lab sent them to me. I freaked out. My WBC was a 12. point something.  Of course the first thing I thought of was leukemia.  I called her office. She called me back.  She told me not to put that out in the universe and that she would just retest it in a few weeks. She also said that I could come in for a urine test to see if I had a UTI.  I did go in that day, but never got the results back..so assuming that came back showing nothing (as I suspected).   Usually it will show  blood in my urine though. But I haven’t talked to her to get the results. She was also supposed to have the lab run come more tests on the blood they already had. I think she totally forgot about that as I never heard from her.

So just now I called her office and left a message to see if I could come in this evening. I am scared. She is not a nice person.  But I am afraid to find another doctor.
I don’t know what is happening to me.  Why I am so sick all the time. Why I am losing weight.

Today, I ate an egg and a banana.  There is breakfast downstairs at my work. I just don’t want to eat it. I feel so sick.  I hate feeling like this all the time.

What could be the reason…?

-I increased my buspar to 15mg twice a day (from 10mg twice a day).

-I am on Zoloft at 125mg. I’m supposed to increase that too…but not feeling well, I don’t want to do that.  Plus adding buspar to Zoloft..can cause serotonin syndrome.  Could this be what I am experiencing?

-When I got my thyroid results back from the doctor, my thyroid numbers were a little higher than the last time I had them done.  I had actually not taken my thyroid medication as prescribed (I was missing doses here and there by accident and had decreased the dose slightly because the last time I had it checked, it was very low..meaning almost hyperthyroid).  Anyway…when I got the results back this time…I saw that it had climbed a little, so I started taking the higher dose.  But I am wondering if I really should be doing that.

HISTORY…I had my thyroid checked about two years ago. It came back in the high normal.  My doc wanted me to increase my meds anyway.  I asked why and she said that they like to see the numbers a little lower. I increased as she said.  However, then the medication made me go hyperthyroid.  If you take too much, the opposite happens. I had been so anxious, etc and didn’t know why. When we tested the thyroid numbers with this higher dose, we found that it put me from hypo to hyper.  The doc wanted me to continue that dose though for another 6 weeks to see if it evened out. I couldn’t do it…so we only took it up slightly.  I probably should’ve stayed on 50mg, but I am up to 62.5.  Could that be causing all of this?

Doctors don’t believe me. People look at me like I’m a hypochondriac or crazy because I should trust the doctors.  But I do read up on my conditions..and I educate myself. I also know that I feel bad.
I need someone to have my back and  help me figure this all out.

I push through but I feel so sick.  I push through because that is what I am supposed to do. I don’t want people to be mad at me.

I am so sick though…I feel so sick.

I am not sure if I am going to be able to see my doctor today.  And if I do, I am afraid of how it will go. She definitely doesn’t take me seriously.

I don’t want anything to be wrong with me. I would reassurance that all is okay.  Maybe this is a bug.  I don’t know. But it’s not all in my head. And I feel very alone trying to figure this out.

I wish I had someone that would work through this with me..would educate themselves on the stuff I have going on..and not look at it as it’s all in my head.

Yes, I had an endoscopy and a CT scan. The doc said all was normal. I have not pulled up the report because I don’t want to question things.  I know that nothing bad is wrong with my stomach.

But…I am sick. I need help.  I need someone to help me with this.

 

What I need to hand over to God…

 

-my health

-my depression ….

-my loneliness

-my obsession with not being able to eat food

-my fear of not being able to handle things with mom not around

-my fear of others leaving me

-my fear of people not wanting to put up with me

-my fear of taking care of the house..or not being able to

-my fear of my weight loss

-my mom….I need to hand her over (I don’t want to)

 

 

Not Good….

Yesterday a friend came over after work.

We sat in my backyard and I cried my eyes out about everything that has been going on.  I do know that I was very shaky …almost where I had no control.  It was like I was shivering…and it was a little cold, but it was so much more.

I also know that my neck felt tight…and when I was talking it was like my head would do some kind of shake.

Today I am experiencing the same thing. My neck feels stiff too.

The other day I remember pulling something that I thought was a black bug off of my head.  I thought it to be a tick right away…but not sure. I do pick, so I have scabs on my head. This was a new one.  I didn’t see any kind of bullseye or anything.

I have a dizzy spacy feeling.  I am afraid I am going to have a seizure or something. I don’t know what is going on.

I had to go to a meeting and I felt like that while there.  Then of course I think about my mom and how I can’t have her make it right. I am meeting a grief therapist tonight. I am not sure how she is going to take me.
I am just not feeling right.

So many things going through my head. When will I get better?  I just don’t understand this.

My daughter is coming over tonight before I go to my meeting. I am afraid for her to come over. I will have to make something for dinner and I am afraid I will be gagging and throwing up in my mouth. My exposure is to say that I will throw up… the more you say that you are less likely to be afraid ..but it’s not working for me. I am trying so hard to just eat and get this stuff in my mouth.  Ugh. Thanks for listening.

 

Instead of..

..googling to find out about life after death, I am going to refrain.

I started to do it..but I am not going to find the answers.

Maybe I need to just read the bible.
Instead of googling, I am writing here.

Thanks for listening.

Another day….

Last night, a friend from a group I used to have (actually my therapist sees her and had her reach out to me a few years ago..because I had a group and she thought it might benefit her).  We met…and our group was like a life line for her at that time.  She lives near me and because I am having problems, she stopped over last night. We sat outside and talked.  She asked if I was shaking because I was cold or because of my nerves.  That put me on a little bit of guard.  I didn’t realize I was shaking.

Anyway, we started talking…and of course I broke down…talking about my mom and all that has transpired. We talked a little about religion…and the existence of God…and people that have gone before us.  It felt good to get all those tears out.

After she left, I made a cheeseburger and ate it with some chips.  It felt good to be able to do that although the thoughts of not being able to eat it were in my head.  I took  a bath and I went to bed.  Even with the Benadryl though, I tossed and turned.  Even woke up in the  middle of the night.  I didn’t have anxiety though..but I didn’t like it.

I woke up this morning and right away, I was checking to see how I was feeling.  I fed the cats and then started my gagging..that would not stop.  It’s all nerves…and depression.  I made an egg..because I felt like I needed to eat something.  I ironed my clothes and put them on.  My pants are so big on me.  It really scares me and keeps enforcing my weight loss.

I could go to the store and buy new clothes, but I am so afraid what the size will be.  Currently I am wearing a 14, but I am not a 14 anymore.  At one time, I was getting so big, I thought I was going to be a 16…now I wonder if I am a 12 or even a 10. And that scares me.

When I got to work, I reached out to a co-worker to see if she wanted to walk to Starbucks with me.  I got nervous, as yesterday, I had a situation where I felt like I was going to pass out.  We did go to Starbucks and I white knuckled it… I was afraid as a group of women came in before us and were in front of us. It was not a quick Starbucks visit.  I  did get what I went there for though.  I got a yogurt and a decaf coffee.  I haven’t had a decaf coffee in a long time. I thought that maybe it would be bring me back to some sense of normalcy.

Yuck, just took a sip.  Doesn’t taste real good.

We left there and headed back to work.  I will start doing some work soon.  I have so many things going through my head. I am so upset that I am so lost.

I realized that I am so afraid because my mom is gone. What if something happens? What if I get sick..? What if I pass out? What if I have to go to the hospital? What if I need her?  I didn’t realize or want to admit how much I needed my mom at the age of 47.  But I am scared.  I am scared living without her. I don’t know how to do it.
I am doing it, but barely.  I need my mom. I need her reassurance.  She has always been that person..and now she is gone.

It just totally sucks.   She used to call me and say “everything okay? everything’s okay.”   Even if things were not and I would say “no,” she would make it okay.  Just her knowing how I was feeling..that I had someone that knew and was loving me unconditionally almost…was good.
I don’t have that anymore. No one understands me.
I am so afraid…so afraid that other stronger people are going to have control over my life….like my brother and my daughter….my sister in law… they will think that they know what is best for me… because I am not rational with my thinking.  Maybe my mother enabled me. She allowed me to live a somewhat normal life. Or made me feel okay with what I was doing. Now I am afraid that people will see..that I am not well…

It’s so hard to put up the fascade…and I don’t do it very well.

I cry often at work or stay in my office and back away from taking on anything.

Tonight I will be seeing a new therapist..for grief.  I am not sure if she will be able to help me. I hope she can. I hope she has some words of wisdom.  People talk about finding a “new  normal” when someone passes away.   I can’t do that.   I am must lonely…I miss my mom.

Maybe this isn’t about her..but what I am going through….and I just need her to make it better.  She was my person. She was my safe person.

I may write later. I am sure I will.

 

Just for Today…

I will not google my symptoms. I will not google to find answers. I will not google to see if my high WBC means I have cancer. I will not google about panic attacks and what I experienced earlier.

I will not post anything on facebook about how I am feeling…so sad.

I will read tonight..the book “It’s Okay Not to Be Okay,” regarding grief.

I will eat throughout the day. I feel so hungry but don’t feel like eating. I am losing weight still and it scares me. But I am eating.

I will realize that I am still grieving my mother…and that is probably what has put me where I am today. I wasn’t doing well before she got sick..and then she passed away..and it has thrown me. My mother was my safe person.
I look forward to my therapy session with a new therapist tomorrow…who I specializes in grief. I pray that she will help me.

I will be okay with missing my mom. I will work on releasing all of this pent up sadness…somehow..even if it is to journal. My mom was my safe person. I don’t have that anymore. I need to figure out how to feel safe by myself. I don’t know how I will do this. I feel so lost without her.

I will meet a friend tonight. She is coming over my house just to be with me. We will take a walk or talk. I will allow this, even if I am not feeling well.

I will not pull on my pants to see if they can easily fall off. I will not check to see how low they are on my waste.

I will write a few pages in my memoir….

I will write one page in my book “daily inspirations.”

I will continue to blog..my thoughts…and hope that I don’t get on anyone’s nerves…as I have so much pent up. It’s so hard. I want my mom.

Heat….

Whoa was that a panic attack that just came over me? I haven’t had that feeling in a long time. I was afraid..as I have had that same feeling when getting ready to pass out. It was scary. I started to really freak as thoughts went through my head. I cannot pass out. I can’t. I have never passed out before, but have come extremely close. And the thought of being at work and this happening..and visions of an ambulance coming..and just not ever being able to come back to work or out again..freaked me out.
Why did this happen? I don’t know.
I ate today. I am trying to be calm and cool.
I did gag after I ate…
I went to therapy last night. And I had a great sleep last night (thanks to Benadryl). But I felt okay last night. My heart wasn’t racing as it was the night before and panic wasn’t trying to take over when I closed my eyes.
I am scared…scared of that feeling again.
So last night at therapy, my brother came with me. We were going back and forth if he was coming or not. I think he was frustrated. Anyway….the session was okay. I cried a lot.
And this morning as all mornings, I miss my mom.
And I think…what if something happens….how will I deal with it? Like me being sick. She was my go to person. She made it right.
I am afraid of life without her..for the big stuff. She was my “safe” person and I didn’t realize it. I need her. What am I going to do?
I have an appointment tomorrow with another counselor for grief. I am hoping that she has some introspective about this.
I was to see someone tonight (the same person I saw last week), but I wasn’t impressed with her. I am hoping that this new person will be a good fit.
My therapist for OCD/anxiety is going out of the country and won’t be back until Tuesday. I am concerned…because it’s so far away..and I need her. But I need to get through each day and pray to make it to next week without her.
I hate feeling so out of control.
A friend will be stopping by tonight after work. She actually sees the same therapist I see and that is how we met. At one time, I had a panic support group..and my therapist thought it might be a good idea for this person to join us as she was having some issues. We helped her. That is how we met. She doesn’t live far from me, so she is going to stop by tonight and we are either going to take a walk or just sit on the porch and talk.
I’m scared. I am so scared now that I am going to pass out. Today. I am so afraid of all of this. I really need my mom. Damn it…I wish she were here.

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